I never wanted to be in this kind of situation. I never wanted to think about it everytime. I just wanted a peaceful and happy heart. No worries, just pure happiness.

I always find myself struggling with my acads. Failed here. Failed there. Failed everywhere. I guess it has something to do with my anxiety. I always overthink. I am always sad. Yeah, I still laugh as hard as I can but still when I’m alone I would think about things that I should and shouldn’t have done, things that might happen etc. I can’t put it into words but I know I’m sad. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know if I should continue to fight. To still fight because I wanted to do so or just fight because I already started it long ago and all of these would be wasted just because I gave up easily. I’m having a hardtime with all the stuff abt acads. I hate going to school. I hate everything.

People would judge me. I’m already on my 6th yr on the next a.y. I’ve never wanted to have my life like this. Graduation is always far within my reach. I’m not proud. I’m not happy. I don’t know what to feel. I feel so small. I’m always weak when it comes to things like this.

..

Is it possible to forget everything? All the feels, the pain, the joy? Idk. I have no answer on all the questions in my head. I know there are things that are not right but still I’m there not doing anything to make it right. I’m still there waiting. I’m still there hoping. I’m still there hurting.

I’ve been losing all the motivations and I can’t move forward. Still living with the past haunting me from time to time.

Hello there! It’s been a months since I posted something here I guess. So lately I’ve been struggling with my thesis experimentation due to some circumstances that I won’t bother mentioning here ( i got so emotional and feel so scared whenever i try to explain it haha). I lost all the motivations and afraid to do things again. Last Christmas eve while my mother was preparing food for our Noche Buena I was doing some thesis stuff (planting seeds) and we were not able to have a vacation on our province. Thesis problems. You know before I wasn’t fond of going in to province having a Christmas vacation with relatives same old routine, giving gifts, attending Misa de Gallo, eating Noche Buena together and then waiting for the New Year’s celebration the folllowing days. I find it so boring and nothing enjoyable about it but now, when I was not able to do those boring things I realized that it was actually fun. It was relaxing and calming. Celebrating holidays with the family is always the best thing to do. I found myself just reminiscing those happy moments when I was a little kid getting so excited eating spaghetti and fruit salad after attending the holy mass on the Christmas eve. Nothing more happier than celebrating Christmas with your loved ones. Yes its true that you’ll realize things are much happier when you won’t be able to do those things again. My mom and I was not able to celebrate New Year’s eve too with the whole fam because there were no trips going to the province that time. Unlucky indeed but ofc we just celebrate it together while I was singing karaoke from 11 pm up to 4 am haha. It was fun! But ofc nothing beats celebration with the whole gang.

Another update, lately I’ve been realizing things about friendships. Before, I thought that having friends until you get older and older, old friends in particular, is the best thing in life. Like you keep them for years that even if you don’t talk anymore, even if you only just greet them during their birthdays and that’s the only conversation you had you still consider them as your best buds. That having countless friends is the best. But I realized that it’s okay if you are not friends with your old friends. Time will come that you’ll delete some friends. You’ll meet new people, build friendships, and do things on repeat. You’ll keep those who made you better and still cares for you. You won’t be in touch with the others. Maybe you’ll forget them but not the memories.

Anw, I am just hoping for a better year.

coltre:

I am insecure and sensitive and I ruin everything I love

mangojeuz:

Forever reblog

Random.

Yung theme ko mga ilang years ko na ring ginagamit. Nung nag-start palang ako around 2012-2013 ata yun papalit-palit talaga ako ng theme, in other words HINDI MAKUNTENTO. Basta may makita akong cute something something itatry ko agad sa’kin. Tapos pag di ko na trip palit agad. So to make this random post short eh ayun mula nung ginamit ko na ung theme na ginagamit ko ngayon hindi ko na ulit pinalitan. (Hindi ko na kasi alam saan makukuha yung sparkling cursor saka ung back-to-top na dream catcher sa baba nung blog hahaha) Nakuntento nalang ako sa itsura niya kasi ito naman yung gusto kong itsura talaga. Yung may mahabang line sa taas na andun yung menus tapos may picture at description sa gilid. Kaya thank u so much sa gumawa nung theme na to hart hart :)

Sobrang girly ko kasi talaga. I loooooooove pink, hello kitty, mermaids, unicorn, pastel, dream catcher, at iba pa. Basta gusto ko yung mga ganon. Kaya yung color ng buong blog eh halos pink and white. Pero ngayon parang gusto kong gawing black or gray/grey. Kaso natatakot ako na di ko magustuhan tapos di ko na matandaan yung dating kulay. So yun lang naman.

ngitizoned:

In 2018, I want to meet the person who would appreciate me the way I give special treatments to the people that matter to me. I hope God would bless me with someone I deserve - that one person who would treat me better than anyone else did. I pray that he would be as kind as I tried to be and everything I painted in my dreams. He knows what my heart desires but, may His will be done.

When you’re having a conversation with a friend and you comfortably started telling her stories about the times that you just wanted to end your life but she gave you that ano-ba-naman-yang-iniisip-mo look and she keeps saying that “grabe ka naman. kung ano-ano iniisip mo”. Seriously people? Your friend needs someone who’ll understand her despite of all things that she’s been through. You don’t have to say those things. She just need a friend that would listen to her f*cked up life. Why don’t u say something that will make her feel better. Another one, when somebody tells you “mas malaki pa nga yung problema ng iba”, “ang babaw lang ng problema mo”. I just don’t understand those who say those things. Yung totoo? Different people different problems. Siguro yung para sayo magaan lang pero sa iba mabigat na. We are all different. We are all different on how we cope up with problems.

feministism:

feministism:

so today, a girl from school was going to go to our principal and report sexual harassment–a boy who sends unrequited nudes to tons of girls via Snapchat sent them to her, and she wasn’t having it.

when people found out she’d decided to do this, other girls came forward to support her and give their stories too–with evidence.

do you know what our principals response was? do you know what he said to all of these uncomfortable girls reaching out for help, asking to be left alone? he said “boys will be boys” and dismissed them immediately.

boys will be boys.

are. you. fuCking. kiDDINg. mE???!!!

first of all, this is NOT normal boy behavior–not everyone is like that, so don’t generalize the male population with “boys will be boys.” second of all, if you’re saying that to normalize it, STOP. HARASSMENT SHOULD NOT BE NORMALIZED. thirdly, this came from a principal of a highschool. a PRINCIPAL. not some jock, not some kid, taking it as a joke. from someone who’s job is to assist students and make the place safe and to punish those who aren’t in the right.

he told those girls to get out of his office without asking any questions or expressing any concern. he. did. not care.

since that, the girls have decided to go to an officer who works at the school and see if he takes any action. but you know what’s fucked up? that they’re having to go to anyone else in the first place.

this is why victims don’t always speak up. because when they try, they get ignored.

this happens everywhere, to so many people, all the time. and it needs to stop. stop blaming victims. stop making excuses. stop normalizing harassment and abuse. and start giving a fuck about people who are hurting.

update: I found out today he didn’t just send nudes (to her and several others), but he also tried to sneak her behind our stage to “talk”. he ended up trying to force her to give him a blowjob.

after this blew up at school yesterday, he texted her last night about how this “would ruin his life” and could “get him sent to jail” (WHEN ITS HIS OWN FAULT LIKE YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF??!!) and he ended up guilt tripping her into telling everyone it was consensual. she hasn’t gone to any other authority.

if our principal would’ve taken her fucking seriously this kid could’ve gotten what he deserved. now he’s going to be off the hook, the only punishment is his peers judgment. and since he got off the hook once? he’ll probably do it again.

im so mad. im so sickened. this is why people don’t speak up. when you make the matter seem insignificant (like the principal did), the fight goes out in the victim. she’s letting him get away with this because when she tried to tell someone, they ignored her like it didn’t mean anything.

LISTEN TO PEOPLE. WHEN THEY OPEN UP TO YOU. AND COME TO YOU FOR HELP. PLEASE.

• Good night!